Shadow Work

Dark moments happen to all of us. It is the contrast of living in a human body. If we didn’t have the dark, we wouldn’t recognize the light and vice versa. It is what we do with those dark moments that is important. This year has been full of such moments for me. The first instinct is to hide, crawl into a corner and make myself invisible to not have to deal with it. I have found, however, that by opening up in those dark times a spark of light comes in. Sometimes it is just a flicker and if I treat it gently it gets brighter.

Today, as I sit in my cave of darkness, curtains drawn, lights off and in complete silence I give in to a moment of emptiness and sadness. I don’t wish for outside intervention, for caring concerned loved ones, for smiles and laughter. I only want to experience the hurt and anguish. I want to get in touch with that place inside where I filed away the fear, the worry, the anger, the nightmares of the past year. I call them all out, asking them to show me their strongest and worst presence. I speak to them gently, not with the rage I expected to feel. I say “I love you.” I embrace them all as a mother would a baby. My heart is pounding as one by one I release each emotion. I honor this part of me – the dark side because it is real and raw. It doesn’t try to be anything other than what it is. I say “thank you.” The experiences of life have no meaning unless we use them to get real with ourselves. I feel gratitude for the journey. I say “please forgive me.” I dishonored myself and my emotions by not letting them be expressed fully. Forgiveness is the secret weapon that frees us from ourselves. I say “I’m sorry.” Sometimes being human is hard. I make mistakes. I own it.

I know there will be more dark times, more moments of confronting that part of me that is needed for balance. If I leave it unchecked, it will continue to grow in strength because that is how the process works; just like cancer when it is left unchecked and untreated.

It is time for some real awakening. It has to begin with the darkest side of us. Love it, honor it, release it to the light. There really is nothing to fear but fear itself. I love you.

Miracles Happen When You Trust

As my recovery from breast cancer surgery is in full swing, it amazes me to look back on the journey and all the synchronicities that happened to get me through such a challenging time.  I’m now at the point of preparing for the final surgery – breast reconstruction.  I know this surgery is not as intense or life-preserving as what I have already endured and some may even judge my decision; however, it is my body and mine alone to make the judgement call.  I want to share with you something that happened yesterday that was confirmation to me that I am supported by the angels in this journey all along the way.

One requirement for surgery is having pre-op clearance from my primary care doctor.  I went for a lab workup this week and was told my doctor was unavailable to do the pre-op visit in the timeframe needed as my surgery is scheduled in a couple of weeks.  Yes, he is that busy!  They said they would see what they could do to get me in, so I left the office with no definite appointment scheduled and looking at a one-week window to get it completed.  I didn’t get upset, or scared that it may not happen, I just had a little talk with the angels and left it at that.

Yesterday, a client wanted me to help with clearing the energy in a house, so we set an appointment for that afternoon.  As the time got closer, I texted her that a storm was coming through the area we were going to and asked about rescheduling.  She was delayed at her appointment and said she was running behind but had checked with someone in the area and the storm had already passed through (divine timing) so we kept our plans although a bit later than originally scheduled.  She picked me up to drive the half-hour or so to the house.  We had been on the road less than 10 minutes when my phone rang.  It was the doctor’s office.  They had a cancellation and wanted to know if I could come in.  The amazing part – we were on the same road as the doctor’s office and less than 10 minutes away!   Again, divine timing because if we had kept our original appointment without the delay, we would have been too far away for me to get to the doctor’s office in time to be seen!

At the visit, I was told that my labwork was perfect, my chest x-ray was perfect, and the doctor signed off for my surgery.  Now, I get to go on my trip next week to participate in a research study and visit family afterwards with a sigh of relief that everything is being handled in perfect divine timing!

More synchronicities surrounding this – a friend from California will be in my state during this time and I will be able to meet up with her along with several other friends in the area the day before surgery.  Also, one of my Facebook friends who I have not met yet is speaking at an event in my city that will take place 2 days after my surgery and he invited me to be there – yes, I plan on attending.  He is even making a video where he will talk about my journey!  This is part of the message the angels gave me as I was walking through the intense part of the journey. I heard very clearly that this is not about me, but about all the people who can be assisted in facing their challenges and being there with outstretched arms to support and encourage.  That’s my life path and I welcome it in every way.  If you want to reach out to me, I am here for you.  If you just need to hear “It will be okay” or “you are not alone” or just have someone on the other end of the phone who will let you cry and vent, I’m here and I will stand right beside you through your journey.  I love you!

SOMETIMES ALL YOU NEED IS TIME

tree at qwp“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

As we get caught up in dwelling on our past and/or our future, we forget that we are in constant growth inside.  We look at our physical bodies and the way they used to look compared to now and this lets us know that we are progressing in one of the many laws of the universe.  However, there are so many laws at play and many times we only focus on one or two of them.  I offer you this well-known fable today in the hopes that you will understand more about expectations, balance and hopefully realize that you matter.  We all matter in this world whether we are a fast-growing fern or a seed that is just waiting for its time to show itself to the world.

 The Fable of the Fern and the Bamboo

One day I decided to give up: I quit my job, my relationship and my life. I went into the woods to talk with an elder who was said to be very wise.

“Can you give me one good reason not to quit?” I asked him. “Look around” he replied. “Do you see the fern and the bamboo?” “Yes”, I replied. “When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. The fern quickly grew. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not give up on the bamboo. In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful, and again, nothing grew from the bamboo seed. But I did not give up on the bamboo.

In the third year still nothing sprouted from the bamboo seed. But I didn’t give up on the bamboo. In the fourth year again nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I didn’t give up on the bamboo. Then in the fifth year, a tiny shoot emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant.

But then in the sixth year, the bamboo grew to 60 feet tall. It had spent five years growing the roots to sustain it. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.

Did you know that all this time that you have been struggling, you have really been growing roots? The bamboo has a different purpose from the fern, but both are necessary and make the forest beautiful.”

 

May you see yourself as you are today without comparison to others.  May there be peace in your world. Please, can’t we all just get along and find our place in the sun without judgment?  I love you!

 

Teri is the founder of TIME Heals energy healing modality, a Certified Happiness Coach and spiritual mentor, an Add-Heart Facilitator with the HeartMath Institute, a psychic/medium and an author.  More information about her work or to book a session, please visit www.Angelspeakers.com

Teri is the author of The Doctor Said What?, TIME Heals, Hugz~Love: My Five-Month Journey From Cocoon to Butterfly, Changes: Life Changes When You Do and Gratitude Vase.  She is currently working on her 6th book, A TIME For Animals Love Revolution.  All books can be found at https://www.amazon.com/Teri-Miller/e/B016TPZIDI

 

 

 

Calm Down ~ There’s A Plan

photo_2019-02-18_20-27-46I am so grateful for friends, especially for friends who are not letting me go through this journey alone!  One such friend accompanied me today to see the doctor for MRI results and to discuss treatment options.  She has been there, this journey that many are finding themselves on these days.  The stench along the path is horrid; it reeks of anger, fear, sadness, guilt, loneliness.  Indeed, cancer can be a lonely road. Friends and loved ones can be supportive but they often do not fully understand how devastating it is to go through. It makes me very sad that some cannot cope emotionally and have distanced themselves altogether. The emotional support is the most crucial to a complete recovery.

For those of you following my journey, the doctor visit today confirmed what the other tests have shown – invasive lobular carcinoma. Being that this was a more in-depth test, it did show that there were more areas than just the one suspicious mass that had been identified.  I went in to the meeting with my friend in tow, expecting to have to defend the method of treatment I chose.  The angels, however, had already paved the way for a smooth discussion with the doctor and with the additional information from the testing, we were in accord as to the treatment plan.  Thank you angels and thank you Tiffany – my rock, my beautiful soul sister!

I have had many miracles show up in my life and there have been several recent ones that are making this journey a little easier.  I am learning to accept help when it is offered.  I was recently led by a friend to a wonderful resource that will help take the burden off financially going forward.  My stress level dropped tremendously with that!  I have another friend who started a crowdfunding campaign to help cover the expenses already incurred and to help meet expenses while I recuperate from the upcoming surgery (thank you Audi)!  Many have offered to be with me at the hospital when the time comes.  Maybe I should prepare the nurses ahead of time?

As I look at my support system, I am humbled and grateful for such beautiful people in my life.  I know how fortunate I am to have you all.  I know there are many going through this same journey who are alone.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a way to spread support so that no cancer patient had to walk this road alone?  Maybe that is where this journey is headed for me.  I will definitely be talking to the angels about it!

 

If you would like to help support my journey financially, any and all help is appreciated.  Here are two ways to donate:

www.paypal.me/angelspeakers

https://www.gofundme.com/pu8nhy-angels-for-teri-miller/donate

 

Entering the Fire

photo_2019-02-13_21-51-37“Scars are like tattoos but with better stories.”  Unknown

Many of you have been holding my hand over the last couple of weeks, asking how you can help and keeping me in your prayers.  Some are not aware of what is going on with my health and until this week I did not have the answers to give a definitive answer, but now I do.  I have told you that this journey is one that I want to be very open about and I will continue to do so.

If you are human and went through the birth process, chances are you have a belly button.  This is your first scar on your human body.  As we live out our lives, we usually collect many more, some small and some not so small.  Most of mine are in the second category.  I recently went to a new doctor – new for me, that is.  I am familiar with the routine of giving medical history, etc. and in the past have even gone prepared when I know I have to give a history.  We get to the part where I am asked “have you ever had surgery?” and I realized I should have brought my list but I didn’t so I just laughed which always perplexes medical personnel (little do they know I am the bionic woman, LOL).   I could tell you about all the scars and the stories behind them but that might take a book instead of a blog.  Let’s just say I have had more than my fair share for one lifetime.

One day close to a month ago I felt some tenderness in my left breast. I have scars there from a biopsy and also a lumpectomy from approximately six years ago.  However, that was not the area of tenderness.  As I palpated the area to see why it hurt, I discovered a lump.  As I am not a novice at this, I knew it had to be checked out.  I kept telling myself that it was nothing, probably a cyst or fibroid, and that I would have a mammogram and everything would be okay.  In the back of my mind there was a thought that kept popping up that it was more than that.  I shushed the thought and went on to find a doctor to go to.  In the office, the doctor confirmed that it did feel abnormal, thus tests were ordered, blood taken, and a referral to a breast surgeon was made.  Again, the thought kept creeping in telling me this was not going to be a pleasant journey and with each mammogram, ultrasound, and eventually biopsies, I started listening to the voice yet still held out hope.  Friends were amazingly supportive, holding my hand through the waiting process.  The waiting and not knowing is without a doubt the most agonizing of the whole experience.  A friend told me today “knowledge is power” because now I know what I’m dealing with, so to be without that knowledge is to feel powerless, out of control, and that is exactly what it felt like.

As I sat in the exam room, I envisioned the doctor coming in and saying that everything was okay, no cause for alarm and to get on with my life; so when the words came out of his mouth that it was indeed cancer, you could have knocked me over with a feather.  I was already an emotional wreck having lost my little Tazzie just the day prior.  This could not be happening! I had to really focus to hear the rest of what he was saying.  He gave me the good news that it is early stage and it is slow growing.  As far as we know at this point, it is all contained in the mass and has not spread anywhere else.  I do have to go through one more test just to be sure that nothing was missed with all the other tests and I will do that tomorrow. After that, I have some tough decisions to make about how to proceed from here.  Will it be another lumpectomy followed by radiation treatment or a mastectomy? I’ll be discussing my choices with him next week and surgery will happen in the near future.  I ask that you continue to lift me up, especially now.  I know I will be okay.  I know I am supported and loved by the angelic realm as well as all you earth angels. That helps make this trial by fire a little easier to tolerate. I know without a doubt that there is something wonderful waiting for me at the end of this experience.  I know I will not come out the same as I am going in and when it is done, I will have yet another tattoo story to tell.  Thank you for being in my life.  I love you.

Grief Is Love

both11“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson

There are many skeptics who discount the feelings of non-human animals.  I have been doing research for a book I am writing about animals and in doing so I came across an article in the Smithsonian where a story is relayed about an orca, Tahlequah, who carried her dead calf through icy water for 17 days before dropping it.  The story ended with these words: “The question is not “Do animals grieve?” but “How do animals grieve?”

As you may be aware, my almost 20-year-old cat, Tazzie, passed away Monday morning.  This has left such a huge hole in my heart with her physical absence, although I know her spirit is still right beside me.  What I am observing now first-hand is the grief that my other cat, Gizmo, is exhibiting.  He will be 19 in a couple of months and he has only known a world where Taz was there every day of his life.  He has always been such a rambunctious cat, very vocal and extremely active.  He is now very obviously depressed, crying, and has thrown up twice today.  He has eaten very little, which is unusual for him. He has searched the entire apartment looking for her, especially her hiding places where she would go for peace and quiet. He looks out the windows to see if she is outside. He will not leave my side. We are grieving her together, comforting each other. I know it is confusing for him and I am doing my best to give him as much attention as possible while dealing with my own grief and other health issues. Gizmo is a very intuitive cat and I know he understands that I am not in a good place emotionally right now.  I’m facing some huge decisions about my health and he keeps snuggling beside me, telling me it will be okay.  I’m trusting you to know that buddy.  We will get through this together but it may take awhile for us both.

My friend Karen is my co-author for our book, A Time For Animals Love Revolution.  She has helped me over the last couple of days with words of comfort including the phrase “grief is love.”  There are no rules to grief just as there are no rules to love.  It just is and it is different for each one of us.  There is no pattern to follow, no set timeframe to work through.  I’m learning to be gentle with myself and allowing the tears to flow with no judgement.  I’m learning that it is okay to let others see me cry. I’m learning that my grief is changing me every day, making me stronger as I focus on why I am grieving.  It is because I loved so deeply and I would not trade that for anything. I loved my little girl with my whole heart and received even more love back from her. She gave me the most precious gift I could ever receive by allowing me to spend her dying moments with her to feel her last heartbeat and hear her last breath. She died hearing the words “I love you” coming from me, her constant companion for her whole lifetime.

So as scientists keep trying to figure out if and how animals grieve, I’m living with a grieving one and he is teaching me so much about how very deeply he feels the loss of his precious sister. If you believe in prayer and a higher power, we could use all of those we can get right now.

 

Read more: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/do-animals-experience-grief-180970124/#o0VGdmhGMFd1QWX2.99

In Memory of My Beloved Taz

photo_2019-02-11_10-36-42My friend Katie stopped by one day almost 20 years ago for a visit.  Our visits were quite long as she is totally deaf and we communicated mostly with her perfect ability to lipread and my limited ability to use sign language.  She taught me the sign for cat and insisted that I needed one in my life.  I told her I was okay with it but would need to check with Ken who was my husband at the time.  It didn’t take much convincing and we were off to be introduced to a litter of kittens.  One little solid black kitten in particular caught my attention and kept coming up to me, rubbing up against my legs.  There were so many to choose from, all adorable and very friendly.  As I held the tiny kitten and felt her soft purr, that was it for me.  I knew she was mine just as I was hers.  It was more of a reunion for us.  We took her home and started the process of giving her a name.  She was so very tiny and one of the most playful kittens I have seen, very happy to have our full attention.  One thing she loved to do was chase her tail.  She could go so fast as she chased the elusive tail that she looked like a black tornado – or a Tasmanian devil.  We called her Taz and it seemed to be just perfect as she did her whirling and tail-chasing daily.  I was working from home and had an office where I spent most of my days.  She wanted to be with me, so I got a shoe box and put it on my desk, which she fit in perfectly.  This was how we spent many many days, Taz and I.  She made me laugh with her antics and I gave her loads of love strokes.

As the years went on our family grew with the addition of Gizmo, a Main Coon cat, Patsy Kline who was a stray, and our darling token canine Ali.  We moved several times much to their dismay – cats and cars just do not mix.  In Arizona, both Patsy and Ali decided it was time to move on, both in the same year.  That year was devastating for me.  And then there were two – Taz and Gizmo.  They have been together for close to 19 years, insanely different in personalities but always there for the other if they think something is wrong.

Sometime over the weekend I suspect that Tazzie suffered a stroke.  She has never had a problem vocalizing that she is hungry.  For such a tiny cat she can eat three times what Gizmo eats and he is huge.  This morning, however, she didn’t get up out of her bed and was not interested in eating.  I let her rest but kept an eye on her.  Eventually, she walked to the bathroom but was dragging one leg behind her.  When she didn’t come out for awhile, I checked on her and found her laying in the litter box. I have known for awhile that she has been declining in health but this was the sign I had asked her to give me that it was time to let her go.  I picked her up and held her close, sitting with her and assuring her that it was okay to leave.  I sent mental images to her of when she was young and helped her to see how much she means to me.  I held her close to my heart so she could feel my heartbeat.  I asked the angels to help her as she makes her transition from her physical body to go join her sisters, Ali and Patsy, and told her that I know I will see her again.  This little princess, who reminds me of an Egyptian royal cat, is getting ready to leave me and I am a total wreck over it.  She is my child, my joy, my constant companion.  How do I even express what she means to me?  It’s impossible.  There will be a hole in my heart and an emptiness in my life without her. I connected with my ex-husband and let him say goodbye to her.  She was his little girl also.  She would greet him at the door and always showed such beautiful affection to him. We have both been blessed by this little angel.

I wrote that yesterday.  This morning at 9:55 Taz passed peacefully as I held her in my arms.  Fly high little angel.