You must tell yourself no matter how hard it is or how hard it gets, I am going to make it. Les Brown
I awoke and looked around me. The dream seemed so real that I actually felt the presence of others in the room. I looked for them through groggy vision but there was no one there; only me and my two cats wondering why I seemed in such a frenzy. I had to find the clock and fast because I felt panic rushing in, like I was supposed to be somewhere. But wait – I was supposed to be somewhere and soon! Obviously I slept through the alarm and was so caught up in the dream that I didn’t realize it was going off. I still had time to make it to my appointment if traffic was not bad, which it wasn’t and so I did.
This was not an appointment I was looking forward to and I really did not want to go through this. I was there to discuss the thing I did not want to discuss, that I had been trying to avoid thinking about, and to give a sample for testing to see what my cells were saying. Yes, our cells speak. They tell a story. I had to donate some of mine for the test but that’s okay, they will not be missed. Scientists estimate that the adult human has something like 37 million cells! So the story that my donated cells will tell is whether or not I have inherited a specific gene mutation. I spent an hour in consultation to learn about what could potentially show up in the test results. Science has always amazed me and it will be interesting to see what story is told by the cells I sent on their way to be analyzed, wishing them Godspeed and to behave themselves in class!
As I sat there going over family history, my immediate thought was that this does not look so good for the home team. Then I remembered the story of how David slayed the giant Goliath with just a single stone in a slingshot. I prayed that with all the prayers and positive energy healing received from wonderful friends that I would become like David and overcome this monster.
On the way home I gave in to a human moment of weakness. All of a sudden it became so overwhelming to deal with all of this. I pulled into a parking lot and just let the tears roll. I allowed myself that moment of release. The tears were my anger melting and streaming down my face. I had held onto it ever since I found the lump in my breast. I was angry and scared, but mostly angry. Now it was time to let it go. It served its purpose. It helped me to focus on the steps needed to move forward to find a solution. There is nothing I want more than for this to be a no-thing. I believe I can be a David, a conqueror, and I will hold onto that thought as I go forward tomorrow to begin the fight.
Thank you Emma for these wonderful words today. It reminds me of a quote from my book Changes: Life Changes When You Do, where my friend Debbie Garcia shares that “Life deals you all kinds of cards. It’s all up to you what you’re going to do with them and how you want to play them because that hand is yours to play and nobody else’s.”
“Forgiveness means personal freedom, freedom from that mental prison, freedom from anger, freedom from bitterness, freedom from the wilderness and victimhood mentality … Most of us become afraid to do our inner work, to look at our shadow selves and to deal with our challenges and issues that are keeping us held back in every aspect of our life from our relationships to our money and careers to our health …” — Shawntay Hockless
Sometimes I forget about that wonderful tool – forgiveness. When I get caught up in the illusion of separation it always brings me to a dark place of shame and blame. The only way to pull out of that is to remember the oneness I am connected to. I have had so much anger come up recently when dealing with health issues and I have forgotten to tap into my magnificence. I forgot that there is no “I” but only we. I have been seeing myself as a totally separate entity and in that separation I have felt alone and frightened. My ego keeps telling me that as much as people express their love and concern, I’m still the one dealing with this. I have not broken down that barrier to allow this burden to be shared. I have held on to it as if it were something only I could deal with. Today, I am releasing that. I am forgiving myself and moving forward into freedom. As my beautiful friend and ‘soul-daughter’ Shawntay puts it so eloquently in the book “Changes” I have to look at my shadow self and deal with the challenges. I have been so busy hiding from them that I have kind of lost who I am in the process. I am love and light and that light needs to shine. It has been kind of dim lately, covered over with a film of fear. I know I am stronger than any challenge that is presented to me; now it is time to allow that knowledge to penetrate my heart and be lifted by it. I am committing from this moment on to DFTBA – Don’t Forget To Be Awesome! Awesome does not worry but charges forward. Awesome doesn’t blame others but accepts what is and deals with it. Awesome faces the darkness and the light with the same amount of energy and with only one goal in mind – love. I love you. Those three little words can move mountains. According to the Ascended Master Quan Yin, love is what heals. We are our own healers, so the more love we can pour into ourselves, the faster the healing process.
To heal means to return to our natural state of being, which is love. We did not enter this physical existence hating or fearful – we learned those things. It is natural to love and once we lose all the limitations that hold us back – all the fear and insecurity – then we will heal ourselves. So bring on the laughter, the joy, the excitement of each new moment. Let the healing begin! I love you!
“If you quit once it becomes a habit. Never quit!” Michael Jordan
One of the most successful sports figures of all time gives this sage advice that we can all use. I have quit many times in many different areas of my life. Every time I gave up on a dream or goal, there was a sense of something dissipating from my spirit. I choose not to call those failures but rather redirections. I have learned many lessons in this lifetime through these changes in direction. I ran from some problems, trying to erase them from memory thinking that would erase them fully; but it just does not work that way. Whether we acknowledge our experiences or not, they are part of who we are. The only way to learn from our lessons is to embrace them, whether pleasant or unpleasant. Many times there is so much more to learn from the valleys than from the hilltop.
I have refrained from asking why these current health problems are happening. I did that in the past – dwelled on playing the victim only to go into rage and eventually depression which only added to the problem. As much as I dislike when I hear someone say “it is what it is” that is the only way I can look at this now. It is here and I have to make a choice of how I respond to it. Yes, there is anger but not rage. I am letting the anger motivate me, to propel me forward to a solution instead of dwelling on what is happening. I do not choose to see myself as a victim but rather a student of life. I am learning strength and resiliency and to never quit. Whatever comes my way, I will not give up. I will not go gently into that good night as one poet so eloquently shared. I choose health, love, peace, joy, happiness for myself. I know many people are sending healing energy my way. Quan Yin teaches that love is what heals. I accept and receive with gratitude all the love sent my way and fully believe I am healed. For the last year I have been learning the best way to take care of my physical body with nutrition and I know this is helping me to heal even faster. Today I received word from my doctor that my lab work was amazing and I only need to take one supplement for a vitamin D deficiency (and I live in the Sunshine state, LOL).
The journey this lifetime is strange in so many ways. I have come to accept the uniqueness of it and embrace the wonder of me that fits into the big puzzle that is all of us. We are all in this together. We are all one. I have learned that when one hurts, we all hurt. The level of compassion shown during this time is overwhelming. Some ask what they can do, others just do and then tell me about it (thanks Audi). I have people at my side for doctor appointments and plans to be with me for upcoming surgeries, even taking time off work to do so! My hand is being held all along this journey and I am so very grateful to not be facing it alone. Many have contributed to help ease the financial burden as well and this is so greatly appreciated. When I express gratitude, the response is “of course, you are family!” So to those who are there holding me up through this, I love you and there are no words to express my deep gratitude – I offer only these four words “I will never quit.”
If you would like to donate to help with medical expenses, you can give through PayPal at paypal.me/angelspeakers or Go Fund Me here
But words are things; and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think. Lord Byron
To think is to create. It is the beginning; sometimes coming as an image and other times just a sound, but creation nonetheless. I’m sitting here today once again listening to the raindrops, to soothing meditation music playing softly in the background and finding peace in the now moment. Eckhardt Tolle teaches us that we only have this moment we are existing in. everything we ever experienced is wrapped up like a summary of our lives in this moment. Lisa Nichols teaches that we needed every experience to bring us to the person we are in this very moment and I totally agree with both these powerful mentors in my life. To live means we have experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant, and it is through those experiences that we grow into our full potential. There is meaning in everything we do and therefore to not experience something we have a choice to engage in is to lose out on some of our potential greatness.
I have studied the great philosophers, the spiritual leaders, the modern motivational figures and what I have come to realize is that what we are seeking in our own lives draws us to these people as they put a voice to our very own thoughts. How many times have I listened to someone speak and comment that it was exactly what I was thinking. I have even said out loud that it is like listening to myself talk but it is someone else saying the words.
So here’s the thing – if you can think it, you can say it or write it. Stop waiting for that superhero or special leader to show up in your life. Be your own superhero. The leaders are leaders because they were not afraid to speak whether vocally or in written words. Words are things, as Lord Byron says, and you can make millions think with the words you speak. I want to hear what you have to say!
There is an old sitcom called the Andy Griffith Show where Gomer Pyle is sitting by himself with a bucket on his head. When Andy asked him why he had the bucket on his head, his reply was that he was “just thinkin” and went on to explain that he was “thinkin about how much thinkin I can do with this here bucket on my head.” Sometimes in life we need that bucket on the head. I find myself lately being distracted by everything and anything. I sit down to meditate and all of a sudden a light catches my attention or a sound shakes me back to the physical.
Shutting out distractions is impossible unless one is in a soundproof room with nothing on the walls. Unless you have a bucket, of course! So today I am putting on the bucket. I’m shutting out anything that will pull me away from what I need to focus on. My journey right now is such that quiet time is necessary and much wanted. Solitude brings perspective. I will allow myself to be gentle with me. I will not focus on anything other than what is my best and highest good.
I have had many responses to yesterday’s blog and I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me. As I said before, if I do not respond it is because I am working on finishing my book which is due out in a few days and allowing myself time also for meditation and prayer. Comments on this blog page are welcomed as I will see them when I log in to write. This journey is an interesting one. I ask that you not judge. Yes, I understand what you are sharing with me and I totally believe in miracles and self-healing. I’m on it! If you know me at all, you know I have been taking care of myself and am up to date on nutrition, alkalizing, and everything needed for ultimate health. I simply ask you to hold me up in prayer and send positive energy my way (including funny stuff as laughter raises the vibration) and let me do the work I need to do to heal. I appreciate you more than you know. I love you!
I feel like I’ve entered a time warp, Stardate -303941.2095065957 which is January 22, 2019, where everything changes. It has been about an hour since I got the news from the doctor of suspicious abnormalities on my mammogram. I drove home with tears in my eyes. I needed to do perfectly normal things so I ran errands like going to the post office, filling up the car with gas, taking out the garbage — anything to stop the thoughts. At this point, no one else knew. It was my news and maybe if I kept it to myself, it wouldn’t be real. But then, there was the phone number for a surgeon that I needed to contact glaring at me and options to think about. I need to process it all. A thousand memories started flooding into my mind; memories from six years ago when I was faced with this exact same scenario. The memories were so strong as though no time had passed since that nightmare.
Without thinking, I found myself at the beach, my Zen spot. Now, I sit here watching the turbulent ocean. It is extremely windy and chilly, even though I do not feel the cold. I think I am numb. Can I stay in this numbness, as the Metallica song says “comfortably numb”? My brain was trying to protect me from going to that dark place – that place of sterile rooms with strangers and looks of pity from friends. If I keep it to myself then I won’t have to answer their questions and repeat my story a thousand times. I won’t have to see the looks on their faces and hear their “I’m sorrys.” I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to be a poster child for strength. I’ve had to do that too many times in this one lifetime! I want to cry and scream and get angry and let it all out.
I am exactly where I need to be right at this moment. I am watching the waves crash in to the shore with a frenzy. Angry waves, like they are saying what is inside me. They are joining me in crying out about the insanity of all this. The wind is relentless. I need it to blow this hard, to swirl around me, to shout out for me. I have been calm for a week as I waited for the test results. I have distracted myself with projects and silly online games. I have had energy work done. The few friends who know something is not right in my world have been angels, surrounding and supporting me with love and prayers. But I have not cried. I haven’t screamed or let any of it out. I simply did not have the energy to process it. I told myself and others that I could not do anything until I had more facts about what was going on. Well, now I have more facts and it sucks!
I waited until I had contacted the oncology surgeon to schedule an appointment before I reached out to anyone. I had a few friends who knew that it was D-day, and they were waiting patiently and impatiently to hear back from me. As I said the words, they came out as though I was talking about scheduling a lunch date or telling about a food choice. It was the only way I could get through relaying the information. Then the reality set in and I let down the wall. I heard my friend say, “we’ll get through this.” WE. What a powerful word. She is a cancer survivor herself and fully understood what I needed and also what my fears are. I was not afraid to tell her that my overwhelming feeling at the moment is anger. I am so angry. Even as I said those words, tears came gushing forth. I wanted to yell and scream at the seeming unfairness of it all. I have already done this! I faced the monster and it was slain. How dare it come back to life? This was unacceptable, yet here it is.
I have been reticent to share this news openly and until now only a handful of people know. They have all been supportive and allowed me to feel and say what I need to without judgment. I need that. I need to be angry without hearing that I should let it go. I will let it go but first I need to let it out, to give it a voice and let it be heard. I need to cry without being felt sorry for as this is part of the release I need to do. I need to listen to MY inner voice guiding me to the best decisions to make when I have all the facts; even as well-meaning as other people’s words of advice are. If you have not been through it, you really cannot understand it fully. I need only to hear words like “I love you” or “I’m here for you.” I need hugs, lots of them. I need prayers and positive energy sent my way. I need to feel that I am still in control of my life and my decisions. This is not my first rodeo so I know what I am facing, just not exactly what I will have to endure, which may be nothing or it may be a tough ride. I also am not ruling out miracles as I know they happen every day. I know I am strong enough to go through the fire alone but it sure helps to know that there are those cheering me on along the way and waiting at the end of the journey with a glass of champagne and an attagirl!
The outpouring of love and support I have received already has been overwhelming. I am so grateful for all of you who are in my life. You are my blessing. You give me hope and I will hold onto that! I will come through this stronger than ever. Please set that intention with me. Please know that if I don’t respond when you reach out to me, it is because I just need time alone for meditation and prayer as I go through this journey. I will update this blog regularly so if you want to be notified when I write, just subscribe and it will come to you automatically. I love you, I love you, I love you. I am grateful for you! Be blessed.