I am so grateful for friends, especially for friends who are not letting me go through this journey alone! One such friend accompanied me today to see the doctor for MRI results and to discuss treatment options. She has been there, this journey that many are finding themselves on these days. The stench along the path is horrid; it reeks of anger, fear, sadness, guilt, loneliness. Indeed, cancer can be a lonely road. Friends and loved ones can be supportive but they often do not fully understand how devastating it is to go through. It makes me very sad that some cannot cope emotionally and have distanced themselves altogether. The emotional support is the most crucial to a complete recovery.
For those of you following my journey, the doctor visit today confirmed what the other tests have shown – invasive lobular carcinoma. Being that this was a more in-depth test, it did show that there were more areas than just the one suspicious mass that had been identified. I went in to the meeting with my friend in tow, expecting to have to defend the method of treatment I chose. The angels, however, had already paved the way for a smooth discussion with the doctor and with the additional information from the testing, we were in accord as to the treatment plan. Thank you angels and thank you Tiffany – my rock, my beautiful soul sister!
I have had many miracles show up in my life and there have been several recent ones that are making this journey a little easier. I am learning to accept help when it is offered. I was recently led by a friend to a wonderful resource that will help take the burden off financially going forward. My stress level dropped tremendously with that! I have another friend who started a crowdfunding campaign to help cover the expenses already incurred and to help meet expenses while I recuperate from the upcoming surgery (thank you Audi)! Many have offered to be with me at the hospital when the time comes. Maybe I should prepare the nurses ahead of time?
As I look at my support system, I am humbled and grateful for such beautiful people in my life. I know how fortunate I am to have you all. I know there are many going through this same journey who are alone. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a way to spread support so that no cancer patient had to walk this road alone? Maybe that is where this journey is headed for me. I will definitely be talking to the angels about it!
If you would like to help support my journey financially, any and all help is appreciated. Here are two ways to donate:
My friend Katie stopped by one day almost 20 years ago for a visit. Our visits were quite long as she is totally deaf and we communicated mostly with her perfect ability to lipread and my limited ability to use sign language. She taught me the sign for cat and insisted that I needed one in my life. I told her I was okay with it but would need to check with Ken who was my husband at the time. It didn’t take much convincing and we were off to be introduced to a litter of kittens. One little solid black kitten in particular caught my attention and kept coming up to me, rubbing up against my legs. There were so many to choose from, all adorable and very friendly. As I held the tiny kitten and felt her soft purr, that was it for me. I knew she was mine just as I was hers. It was more of a reunion for us. We took her home and started the process of giving her a name. She was so very tiny and one of the most playful kittens I have seen, very happy to have our full attention. One thing she loved to do was chase her tail. She could go so fast as she chased the elusive tail that she looked like a black tornado – or a Tasmanian devil. We called her Taz and it seemed to be just perfect as she did her whirling and tail-chasing daily. I was working from home and had an office where I spent most of my days. She wanted to be with me, so I got a shoe box and put it on my desk, which she fit in perfectly. This was how we spent many many days, Taz and I. She made me laugh with her antics and I gave her loads of love strokes.
As the years went on our family grew with the addition of Gizmo, a Main Coon cat, Patsy Kline who was a stray, and our darling token canine Ali. We moved several times much to their dismay – cats and cars just do not mix. In Arizona, both Patsy and Ali decided it was time to move on, both in the same year. That year was devastating for me. And then there were two – Taz and Gizmo. They have been together for close to 19 years, insanely different in personalities but always there for the other if they think something is wrong.
Sometime over the weekend I suspect that Tazzie suffered a stroke. She has never had a problem vocalizing that she is hungry. For such a tiny cat she can eat three times what Gizmo eats and he is huge. This morning, however, she didn’t get up out of her bed and was not interested in eating. I let her rest but kept an eye on her. Eventually, she walked to the bathroom but was dragging one leg behind her. When she didn’t come out for awhile, I checked on her and found her laying in the litter box. I have known for awhile that she has been declining in health but this was the sign I had asked her to give me that it was time to let her go. I picked her up and held her close, sitting with her and assuring her that it was okay to leave. I sent mental images to her of when she was young and helped her to see how much she means to me. I held her close to my heart so she could feel my heartbeat. I asked the angels to help her as she makes her transition from her physical body to go join her sisters, Ali and Patsy, and told her that I know I will see her again. This little princess, who reminds me of an Egyptian royal cat, is getting ready to leave me and I am a total wreck over it. She is my child, my joy, my constant companion. How do I even express what she means to me? It’s impossible. There will be a hole in my heart and an emptiness in my life without her. I connected with my ex-husband and let him say goodbye to her. She was his little girl also. She would greet him at the door and always showed such beautiful affection to him. We have both been blessed by this little angel.
I wrote that yesterday. This morning at 9:55 Taz passed peacefully as I held her in my arms. Fly high little angel.
“Life comes at us in waves. We can’t predict or control those waves, but we can learn to surf” Dan Millman
I owe the title of this blog to someone very dear to my heart, someone I consider a daughter in this lifetime although we are not related by blood but by spirit; and someone who has traveled this journey and knows the road all too well. As I shared with Shawntay this morning in a chat that the waiting and not knowing what I am dealing with exactly is the hardest part of the journey, she sent me some soothing music to “calm the waves of the unknown.” This is what I mean when I say that those who have been through the fire know the flames well enough to share the experience and what is necessary to face it mentally. My friend Tiffany has traveled this road as well and holds my hand, checks on me every day, and finds some way to lift me up with words and hugs and lots of laughter. There are so many others who message and call and each one is so appreciated. As I go through this trial of fire, I know I am not alone. I have precious angels holding me and wiping tears, guiding me to resources which many of you have shared as well. I have no doubt that I will come through this fire with only a singe and will rise up from it like the beautiful phoenix that I am. Ah, how many times in this one lifetime have I done this dance? Staring death in the face since an early age, triumphing every time that the odds looked impossible. I once joked that I was leaving this world one body part at a time. I have to find humor in the experiences or else it is just a horrible experience instead of something I can overcome and be grateful for.
Speaking of humor – and hopefully this does not offend anyone, although it is my journey so I choose to do so anyway – I will share my most recent experience with you and trust you will laugh along with me. I underwent a biopsy of the lumps in both breasts a couple of days ago. The surgical cleanse they used was blue and turned my breasts blue. I was told not to shower for a day and when I removed the bandages to do so there were red streaks as my skin is very sensitive to adhesive and I had a reaction to the tape they used. There are Steri-Strips covering the wound sites and those are white. Therefore, I now have red white and blue boobs – very patriotic don’t you think? I feel that I should salute them!! One friend called them Star Spangled Boobs! Ah, thank you to those who know me and know my humor!
During the biopsy I became disheartened when the doctor discovered that they were not cysts, as I was holding on to the hope that this would be the case. Instead of losing it, which I came close to doing, I focused instead on my tools. I laid there doing the Heart-Brain Coherence that I learned from Gregg Braden and love to teach to others. I can say with ultimate confidence now that it is the best practical and most expedient tool any of us can have to use when facing difficult situations. I even have a support group of ladies that I meet with weekly to do the Heart-Brain breathing and lift each other up (thank you WonderWomen).
So, as I play the waiting game and deal with the world of the unknown, I will continue to hold onto each positive message. I will continue to do my affirmations that I am in perfect health and worthy of that. I will continue to do EFT tapping to calm the nerves and change the cells inside my body, and thank you John for nudging me to do so and checking on me daily. I will fight, trusting that I am supported and protected by the beautiful angels, including those on earth. I love you.
You must tell yourself no matter how hard it is or how hard it gets, I am going to make it. Les Brown
I awoke and looked around me. The dream seemed so real that I actually felt the presence of others in the room. I looked for them through groggy vision but there was no one there; only me and my two cats wondering why I seemed in such a frenzy. I had to find the clock and fast because I felt panic rushing in, like I was supposed to be somewhere. But wait – I was supposed to be somewhere and soon! Obviously I slept through the alarm and was so caught up in the dream that I didn’t realize it was going off. I still had time to make it to my appointment if traffic was not bad, which it wasn’t and so I did.
This was not an appointment I was looking forward to and I really did not want to go through this. I was there to discuss the thing I did not want to discuss, that I had been trying to avoid thinking about, and to give a sample for testing to see what my cells were saying. Yes, our cells speak. They tell a story. I had to donate some of mine for the test but that’s okay, they will not be missed. Scientists estimate that the adult human has something like 37 million cells! So the story that my donated cells will tell is whether or not I have inherited a specific gene mutation. I spent an hour in consultation to learn about what could potentially show up in the test results. Science has always amazed me and it will be interesting to see what story is told by the cells I sent on their way to be analyzed, wishing them Godspeed and to behave themselves in class!
As I sat there going over family history, my immediate thought was that this does not look so good for the home team. Then I remembered the story of how David slayed the giant Goliath with just a single stone in a slingshot. I prayed that with all the prayers and positive energy healing received from wonderful friends that I would become like David and overcome this monster.
On the way home I gave in to a human moment of weakness. All of a sudden it became so overwhelming to deal with all of this. I pulled into a parking lot and just let the tears roll. I allowed myself that moment of release. The tears were my anger melting and streaming down my face. I had held onto it ever since I found the lump in my breast. I was angry and scared, but mostly angry. Now it was time to let it go. It served its purpose. It helped me to focus on the steps needed to move forward to find a solution. There is nothing I want more than for this to be a no-thing. I believe I can be a David, a conqueror, and I will hold onto that thought as I go forward tomorrow to begin the fight.
“If you quit once it becomes a habit. Never quit!” Michael Jordan
One of the most successful sports figures of all time gives this sage advice that we can all use. I have quit many times in many different areas of my life. Every time I gave up on a dream or goal, there was a sense of something dissipating from my spirit. I choose not to call those failures but rather redirections. I have learned many lessons in this lifetime through these changes in direction. I ran from some problems, trying to erase them from memory thinking that would erase them fully; but it just does not work that way. Whether we acknowledge our experiences or not, they are part of who we are. The only way to learn from our lessons is to embrace them, whether pleasant or unpleasant. Many times there is so much more to learn from the valleys than from the hilltop.
I have refrained from asking why these current health problems are happening. I did that in the past – dwelled on playing the victim only to go into rage and eventually depression which only added to the problem. As much as I dislike when I hear someone say “it is what it is” that is the only way I can look at this now. It is here and I have to make a choice of how I respond to it. Yes, there is anger but not rage. I am letting the anger motivate me, to propel me forward to a solution instead of dwelling on what is happening. I do not choose to see myself as a victim but rather a student of life. I am learning strength and resiliency and to never quit. Whatever comes my way, I will not give up. I will not go gently into that good night as one poet so eloquently shared. I choose health, love, peace, joy, happiness for myself. I know many people are sending healing energy my way. Quan Yin teaches that love is what heals. I accept and receive with gratitude all the love sent my way and fully believe I am healed. For the last year I have been learning the best way to take care of my physical body with nutrition and I know this is helping me to heal even faster. Today I received word from my doctor that my lab work was amazing and I only need to take one supplement for a vitamin D deficiency (and I live in the Sunshine state, LOL).
The journey this lifetime is strange in so many ways. I have come to accept the uniqueness of it and embrace the wonder of me that fits into the big puzzle that is all of us. We are all in this together. We are all one. I have learned that when one hurts, we all hurt. The level of compassion shown during this time is overwhelming. Some ask what they can do, others just do and then tell me about it (thanks Audi). I have people at my side for doctor appointments and plans to be with me for upcoming surgeries, even taking time off work to do so! My hand is being held all along this journey and I am so very grateful to not be facing it alone. Many have contributed to help ease the financial burden as well and this is so greatly appreciated. When I express gratitude, the response is “of course, you are family!” So to those who are there holding me up through this, I love you and there are no words to express my deep gratitude – I offer only these four words “I will never quit.”
If you would like to donate to help with medical expenses, you can give through PayPal at paypal.me/angelspeakers or Go Fund Me here
I feel like I’ve entered a time warp, Stardate -303941.2095065957 which is January 22, 2019, where everything changes. It has been about an hour since I got the news from the doctor of suspicious abnormalities on my mammogram. I drove home with tears in my eyes. I needed to do perfectly normal things so I ran errands like going to the post office, filling up the car with gas, taking out the garbage — anything to stop the thoughts. At this point, no one else knew. It was my news and maybe if I kept it to myself, it wouldn’t be real. But then, there was the phone number for a surgeon that I needed to contact glaring at me and options to think about. I need to process it all. A thousand memories started flooding into my mind; memories from six years ago when I was faced with this exact same scenario. The memories were so strong as though no time had passed since that nightmare.
Without thinking, I found myself at the beach, my Zen spot. Now, I sit here watching the turbulent ocean. It is extremely windy and chilly, even though I do not feel the cold. I think I am numb. Can I stay in this numbness, as the Metallica song says “comfortably numb”? My brain was trying to protect me from going to that dark place – that place of sterile rooms with strangers and looks of pity from friends. If I keep it to myself then I won’t have to answer their questions and repeat my story a thousand times. I won’t have to see the looks on their faces and hear their “I’m sorrys.” I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to be a poster child for strength. I’ve had to do that too many times in this one lifetime! I want to cry and scream and get angry and let it all out.
I am exactly where I need to be right at this moment. I am watching the waves crash in to the shore with a frenzy. Angry waves, like they are saying what is inside me. They are joining me in crying out about the insanity of all this. The wind is relentless. I need it to blow this hard, to swirl around me, to shout out for me. I have been calm for a week as I waited for the test results. I have distracted myself with projects and silly online games. I have had energy work done. The few friends who know something is not right in my world have been angels, surrounding and supporting me with love and prayers. But I have not cried. I haven’t screamed or let any of it out. I simply did not have the energy to process it. I told myself and others that I could not do anything until I had more facts about what was going on. Well, now I have more facts and it sucks!
I waited until I had contacted the oncology surgeon to schedule an appointment before I reached out to anyone. I had a few friends who knew that it was D-day, and they were waiting patiently and impatiently to hear back from me. As I said the words, they came out as though I was talking about scheduling a lunch date or telling about a food choice. It was the only way I could get through relaying the information. Then the reality set in and I let down the wall. I heard my friend say, “we’ll get through this.” WE. What a powerful word. She is a cancer survivor herself and fully understood what I needed and also what my fears are. I was not afraid to tell her that my overwhelming feeling at the moment is anger. I am so angry. Even as I said those words, tears came gushing forth. I wanted to yell and scream at the seeming unfairness of it all. I have already done this! I faced the monster and it was slain. How dare it come back to life? This was unacceptable, yet here it is.
I have been reticent to share this news openly and until now only a handful of people know. They have all been supportive and allowed me to feel and say what I need to without judgment. I need that. I need to be angry without hearing that I should let it go. I will let it go but first I need to let it out, to give it a voice and let it be heard. I need to cry without being felt sorry for as this is part of the release I need to do. I need to listen to MY inner voice guiding me to the best decisions to make when I have all the facts; even as well-meaning as other people’s words of advice are. If you have not been through it, you really cannot understand it fully. I need only to hear words like “I love you” or “I’m here for you.” I need hugs, lots of them. I need prayers and positive energy sent my way. I need to feel that I am still in control of my life and my decisions. This is not my first rodeo so I know what I am facing, just not exactly what I will have to endure, which may be nothing or it may be a tough ride. I also am not ruling out miracles as I know they happen every day. I know I am strong enough to go through the fire alone but it sure helps to know that there are those cheering me on along the way and waiting at the end of the journey with a glass of champagne and an attagirl!
The outpouring of love and support I have received already has been overwhelming. I am so grateful for all of you who are in my life. You are my blessing. You give me hope and I will hold onto that! I will come through this stronger than ever. Please set that intention with me. Please know that if I don’t respond when you reach out to me, it is because I just need time alone for meditation and prayer as I go through this journey. I will update this blog regularly so if you want to be notified when I write, just subscribe and it will come to you automatically. I love you, I love you, I love you. I am grateful for you! Be blessed.
Your soul is set on a course that you could never have imagined you would explore in your lifetime. You are reaching higher dimensions, higher energies and now as you look down from that higher place you can see with the eagle’s eye what is actually taking place below. Like the bird of prey, you observe. You watch all the scurrying and the chaos you just float along waiting. Your ego is saying what is all this about, everything is out of control. But is it really? Remember Dear Ones, there are no accidents or coincidences. Everything really is as it is supposed to be. When you can accept that, even in the midst of the chaos, you will then see beyond what meets the physical eye and will look at it through your eagle eye perception. And so it is.